


The Sexy Mug Prank

by Nokomis



Series: caped capers [2]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Justice League - All Media Types
Genre: (no one would ever suspect them), Bruce and Steph: Prank Dream Team, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Stand Alone, The story behind the mug Steph gave Bruce for his birthday, You do not have to read the previous story, this is actually set before it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:13:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26309128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nokomis/pseuds/Nokomis
Summary: “Are you suggesting that IprankHal Jordan,” Bruce said flatly.Stephanie nodded. “And the best part is that absolutely no one will think that you have either the sense of humor or the creativity to do something like this.”
Series: caped capers [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1911520
Comments: 47
Kudos: 450





	The Sexy Mug Prank

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is, the story behind the Sexiest Man Alive mug mentioned in _Let The Rumors Fly_! This is totally stand alone, so if you haven't read that one, you'll be fine. Sometimes you just want to imagine what chaos Bruce and Steph could bring to the table, were they to ever instigate a prank, you know?

“Happy birthday!” 

Bruce stiffened his shoulders, determined to not let Stephanie know that she’d startled him. He’d heard her enter the Cave, but the case file he was adding information to had engrossed his attention and he’d somehow forgotten her presence until she’d popped up beside him exclaiming birthday salutations in his ear.

“Thank you,” he said, and returned his attention to his case.

The day had been a blissful one, all things considered -- no major Justice League business to tackle, most of Gotham’s rogues were safely tucked away in Arkham, and Alfred had made him his favorite dinner, which Damian, Cass, Tim, Duke and Dick had joined him for. Jason had arrived too late to eat with them, but had brought a bakery box filled with cannolis from a bakery they had frequented during his time as Robin. 

The boys had only argued the usual amount, no blood had been spilled, and Bruce had thought himself a lucky man.

Now Stephanie was showing up, all smiles, hands behind her back. She rocked back and forth on her heels, clearly waiting on him to ask her what she had.

Bruce refused. He knew the expression on her face. He’d seen it before too many memorable moments around the Manor. Stephanie continued to rock on her heels, smile never wavering.

Bruce sighed. “Yes?”

She beamed, and pulled a gift bag from behind her back. It was bright purple, with rainbow polka dots and _Happy Birthday_ spelled out in balloon letters. The tissue paper sticking out of the top was shiny and silver. “Happy birthday!” she said again.

Her grin could be described as shit-eating. Bruce reluctantly took the gift. 

“Go on, open it,”she said, still bouncing on her toes with excitement. He didn’t bother to tell her she shouldn’t have; he could tell from her excitement that this was absolutely a gift at his expense.

He removed the tissue paper and lifted out a card. It was black, with _Over the Hill_ written in a font made of bones, and said ominously inside, “But here’s a reminder of your past glory! xoxoSteph”

He lifted out the present itself. It was a mug wrapped in yet another layer of tissue paper. He removed that to find himself staring at…

His own face.

Not only was it his own face, but it was his face on a cover of People, declaring him the Sexiest Man Alive. Bruce blinked, but the mug remained the same.He turned it in his hand, only to find that the other two covers he’d been featured on, also declaring him the Sexiest Man Alive, were also printed on the mug, even the cover where he was wearing the loose white shirt plastered wetly to his torso. He still remembered the photographer describing the pose as _Mr. Darcy-style._

“What,” he said.

Stephanie beamed.

Bruce stared blankly at the mug for a few long seconds more, and repeated, “What the hell is this?”

“A mug,” Stephanie said helpfully.

“I can see that,” Bruce said tightly. “What am I supposed to do with this?”

“Well, the way I see it, you have a few options,” Stephanie said. She perched on the edge of the computer desk. “You can use the mug as a mug, orrrr you can use my present for its intended purpose.”

Bruce closed his eyes once, counted to three, then refocused on Stephanie. “And what purpose is that?”

“Sweet, sweet vengeance,” Stephanie said. 

Bruce looked back at the mug, then to her.

“Stumped?” She looked entirely too delighted. “Remember when I went on that stakeout with you last week?”

Bruce recalled; it had been nearly three hours before their mark had arrived at the warehouse and the microphones they’d planted had been of any use. “I was there, yes.”

“You’re a funny man. And do you remember that you ranted for fifteen entire minutes about how Hal Jordan insulted his Justice League-provided Waynetech tablet in front of you?”

“He didn’t just insult it, he dropped it into the vacuum of space and replaced it with a Lexcorp one,” Bruce said, only somewhat crankily. He hadn’t _ranted_ about it, but he had perhaps chosen to update Stephanie on the situation. At length.

“Yeah, I know, you told me. Four times. That was the longest I’ve ever heard you speak, and that includes the lecture I got about the carpet in the east wing.”

“I still don’t see what this monstrosity has to do with Hal Jordan,” Bruce said. He gingerly set it down on the table in front of him. His own eyes seemed to follow his every move.

“First of all, ouch, I spent some of your hard-earned money on that,” Stephanie said. “And honestly, you consider yourself a strategist. It’s fairly straightforward. Make sure every mug on the Watchtower is in use, call a Justice League meeting after making sure Hal Jordan has been awake a minimum of twenty-four hours, then sit back and enjoy.” 

“Are you suggesting that I _prank_ Hal Jordan,” Bruce said flatly.

Stephanie nodded. “And the best part is that absolutely no one will think that you have either the sense of humor or the creativity to do something like this.”

Bruce personally didn’t think that he lacked in either humor or creativity, but chose to be the adult and didn’t argue the point. He stared at the mug. The mug stared back at him, and that particular expression was far more sultry than he remembered posing on that long-ago photoshoot.

It was truly a thing of horror.

Should he unleash it upon Hal Jordan? Could he really? He had to admit that Stephanie’s logic was foolproof-- absolutely no one on the Justice League would ever suspect him of the prank. It would essentially be the perfect crime. 

He thought again of the gleeful way Hal Jordan had brought out the Lexcorp tablet, the sheer _gall_ , and knew the decision was made.

“If you tell anyone…” he said to Stephanie, who was smiling so wide that her cheeks must hurt.

“Not a soul,” she promised, and flung her arms around him for a quick hug. “Best birthday ever, am I right?”

*

Bruce expects the plan to take weeks, perhaps even months. Stephanie had simplified it, but there were multiple elements that he couldn’t control, like Hal’s sleep patterns.

Then, four days after his birthday, everything lines up. There’s a core Justice League meeting called unexpectedly at the tail end of Hal’s run on monitor duty, during which he had been very vocal in complaining that he had come right after a long-haul mission and he hadn’t slept in days. 

He sounded so exhausted that Bruce almost felt bad for him. 

That didn’t stop him from putting the plan into motion. The most important factor was that everything was double-blind. No one could know who had orchestrated the prank. He couldn’t set foot near the kitchenette himself, and there was no one he trusted to be a co-conspirator. He briefly had considered Diana, but she was too much of a rogue element. She was just as likely to betray him as she was to help.

Clark was equally unsuited to be a co-conspirator. Bruce could already imagine the look he would give him when he found out the lengths Bruce was going to prank Hal. Bruce was simply not up for that.

So eventually he decided to abuse his power as a designer of the security system, and simply be as stealthy as possible.

Somehow, it worked.

Bruce swept into the meeting exactly on time as usual, cape swirling around his feet. He sat in his usual spot, and waited for the meeting to begin. Clark and Dinah chatted on one side, while Diana was explaining some finer point of her own archery training to Ollie on the other. 

Hal came in blearily, clutching a steaming mug of coffee in his hand and slumping down in his seat. “Can we make this quick? I’m running on fumes here.”

He took a sip of his coffee, and the cover of People declaring Bruce Wayne indisputably the sexiest man alive stared out at the Justice League.

Bruce crossed his arms over his chest. Clark let out a startled noise halfway between an exclamation of surprise and a laugh, and immediately cut a guilty glance towards Bruce. Diana had no such shame, she wasn’t bothering to shield her smile. 

“Hal,” Ollie said. “Is there something you want to tell us?”

Hal blinked at them. Dinah gestured towards his mug, and Hal’s attention focused on it for what was clearly the first time, horror dawning across his features. He lowered the mug, seemingly transfixed. 

The entire Justice League turned to stare at Bruce in a remarkable show of teamwork. He didn’t need the helpful hints on how to react that Stephanie had texted him, despite him not actually giving her his number. “Jordan, what is the meaning of this?”

He put the exact amount of growl in his voice as he did when interrogating a nervous henchmen -- nothing over the top, but definitely enough to put everyone on edge. He crossed his arms over his chest and scowled. He was annoyed enough by the image of his own face in Hal’s hands that he didn’t have to guess how annoyed he would be if this were the first time he had seen the mug.

“What-- you think I picked this mug?” Hal’s voice lilted up on the last word, shocked. “This monstrosity?”

Bruce kept his arms crossed and scowl on. 

“Seriously who-- someone needs to fess up,” Hal said. “This is not cool.You guys are better than this.”

He set the cup down, finally realizing that he still had it clutched in his hand. The side with Bruce emerging from a lake wearing a wet white shirt faced outward. Sexiest Man Alive, the headline proclaimed. 

No one seemed able to look away from it.

Bruce glared at them all. 

“Perhaps we should continue with the business at hand,” Clark said in a transparent attempt to draw attention away from Hal’s misery and the mug itself, which seemed to take up much more space on the table than a simple coffee mug ought.

Bruce quietly thought that Stephanie might have the makings of an evil genius.

“Sure, I’d like to introduce a new matter of business to the table,” Ollie replied easily, leaning back in his chair and surveying the Justice League as a whole. “I propose we figure out who did this before ole Brucey-boy over there has an aneurysm.”

Bruce scowled even more. “Jordan’s failed attempt at humor has taken enough of our time.”

Hal, predictably, sputtered. “Attempt at-- This was not me! Why would I even--?”

Bruce ignored that, choosing instead to say sternly, “Attempt to be professional and dispose of that.”

Hal picked up the mug gingerly, and looked around, finally settling on the trash can as the appropriate receptacle for the mug. He was halfway there before Diana stopped him. “We should celebrate our friends’ accomplishments, not dispose of them,” she said in a deliberately regal tone.

Bruce had _known_ she would be the rogue element. Being right was a curse. 

Diana took the mug from Hal and returned to her seat, displaying it proudly before her. Bruce glared. Diana ignored his glare with aplomb. 

Bruce thought again about considering Stephanie an evil genius, and wondered if, perhaps, he was the one being played. 

Bruce opened his mouth to say something -- he wasn’t even entirely sure _what_ , just that he couldn’t just let Diana sit there smugly -- when Wally breezed into the room, late as only speedsters could manage.

“Sorry I’m late, there was this… well, whole thing,” he said, sliding into his seat. “Man. Kind of a weird vibe going on here today. Why does Hal look like that?”

He looked around the table, clearly reading the room but having no clue as to why the entire Justice League looked split between indignant horror, abject delight, and in Bruce’s case, intense scowling.

“We have a bit of a mystery on our hands,” Dinah said. She gestured grandly towards the mug. “Have you seen this before? Hal came in with it but says it isn’t his.”

Wally blinked at it. A seemingly unconscious giggle came from him, then his eyes shot to Bruce and he paled. “That’s. Well. Wow. That’s quite a thing.”

“Isn’t it?” Diana said. She looked at the group in general. “Does anyone know of its providence?”

Silence reigned. 

Then the accusations started flying, fingers pointed. Clark attempted to bring the meeting back to order, but Hal loudly suggested the mug was part of a larger,more sinister plot. Theories as to who might have planted the thing began to fly, with suspects ranging from one of the Titans to Lex Luthor himself -- _You did break protocol and bring in that Lexcorp tablet, Hal, this is all on you_ \-- while Bruce leaned back in his chair, arms crossed over his chest, watching the chaos unfold.

For once he was thankful for his children’s antics; he’d had plenty of practice maintaining a disapproving face while watching absolute ridiculousness unfold. He eventually slid out, the meeting’s intended topic forgotten, and left the Watchtower, satisfied.

His only regret was that he couldn’t retrieve the mug from under Diana’s watchful eye.

The mystery was never solved by the League and not once was Bruce accused.

*

On patrol a few nights later, Stephanie came bounding up to him. “I heard there was a League meeting, but that what it discussed was _strictly confidential._ ” 

Everyone had decided to keep their dignity in the larger superhero world intact. Bruce allowed himself a small smile. “I appreciate the birthday present.”

Stephanie whooped and did a fist pump. “I can’t believe it worked! And I was right, no one figured it was you?”

“They blamed each other, time travelers, and Lex Luthor, but my name was never in contention.” If Bruce sounded a little smug, then… Stephanie wouldn’t tell, and if she did, no one would believe her.

She beamed. “If anyone could pull off a full Swanson ‘ _It was getting a little chummy around here’_ move, it was you. So I gotta ask-- what happened to the mug?”

“Diana kept it,” Bruce said shortly. 

Stephanie looked like she couldn’t admire Diana more. “What a power move. What a boss. A queen. Maybe one day you’ll be half the icon she is.”

Bruce scowled at her, but unlike the Justice League, it had no effect. “You can’t tell the others.”

“Somehow I will persevere,” she said, and patted him on the arm. “Truly proud of you, big guy. And I’m here for all your future pranking needs. We’re basically a dream team.”

Bruce chose to cross his arms and stare out at the Gotham skyline, but one corner of his mouth quirked up. Stephanie saw, beamed, and took off into the night, joyfully pulling several flashy and unnecessary somersaults midair.

Bruce had absolutely no intention of pranking anyone again, but the footage he’d pulled from the meeting would be something he treasured for a long, long time. It had _perhaps_ even been worth the price of accidentally overhearing his teammates refer to him as Big Sexy over the comms.

Well, perhaps not.


End file.
